Recovery in Narcotics Anonymous is about learning how to live. Incorporating the spiritual principles we learned in the first nine steps into our lives has made it possible to live in harmony with ourselves and others. Self-examination, confronting what we find in ourselves, and owning up to our wrongs are critical elements of conducting our lives on a spiritual basis. By working the Tenth Step, we become more aware of our emotions, our mental state, and our spiritual condition. As we do, we find ourselves constantly rewarded with fresh insight.
Some of us look back at our Fourth Step and wonder why we have to do a Tenth Step. We may think that we’ve corrected all our past mistakes in the previous steps; since we have no intention of making those mistakes again, why should we continue with this relentless self-examination? The Tenth Step seems like a tiresome chore to some of us, a painful exercise that we could just as well avoid. But we must continue to grow, and that’s exactly what the Tenth Step helps us do. Though we will return to the previous steps again and again, the Tenth Step furthers our spiritual healing in a different way; by creating an awareness of what’s going on in our lives today.
The importance of keeping in touch with our thoughts, attitudes, feelings, and behavior cannot be overemphasized. Every day, life presents us with new challenges. Our recovery depends on our willingness to meet those challenges. Our experience tells us that some members relapse, even after long periods of clean time, because they have become complacent in recovery, allowing their resentments to build and refusing to acknowledge their wrongs. Little by little, those small hurts, half-truths, and “justified” grudges turn into deep disappointments, serious self-deceptions, and full-blown resentments. We can’t allow these threats to compromise our recovery. We have to deal with situations such as these as soon as they arise.
In the Tenth Step, we use all the principles and actions we learned in the previous steps, applying them to our lives on a consistent basis. Beginning our day by reaffirming our decision to live life according to our Higher Power’s will has helped many of us keep spiritual ideals foremost in our minds throughout the day. Even so, we are bound to make mistakes that are very familiar to us. We can attribute virtually every wrongdoing to a character defect we identified in the Sixth Step. Humbly asking the God of our understanding to remove our shortcomings is just as necessary now as it was in the Seventh Step.
In the Tenth Step, we take such actions on a regular basis. Each day, we take our own inventory, look for those times when we fall short of our spiritual ideals, and renew our efforts to live a principle-centered life. For example, when we are faced with the tendency to behave compulsively, ignoring the consequences of our actions, we need to focus on spiritual principles, take prompt action, and continue forward in our recovery.
Although forming a habit of working this step may be difficult at first, we must persist. We can set aside some time during the day for focused self-appraisal while gradually moving toward a goal of being able to look at ourselves throughout the day. We keep going forward, striving each moment to become ever more aware of ourselves. We need to develop self-discipline; the more effort we put into doing so, the more we’ll find that working the Tenth Step will become as natural as breathing.
Not that we should be hard on ourselves, picking at our every motive and looking for problems where none exist. We need to stay in tune with the voice of our conscience and listen to what it’s telling us. When we get a nagging feeling that something isn’t quite right, we should pay attention to it. If our feelings of guilt or anger seem to go on for a long time, we can do something about them. We know when something is bothering us-perhaps not immediately, but usually not too long after the fact. As soon as we become aware that we’re feeling ill at ease, we search out the cause and deal with it as soon as possible.
While we strive to maintain ongoing awareness throughout the day, it is also helpful to sit down at the end of each day and quietly reflect on what has happened and how we responded to it. Often, our sponsor will suggest that we write out our Tenth Step. We may also make use of our informational pamphlet, Living the Program. In this step, we ask ourselves the same type of questions we asked in the Fourth Step; the only difference is that the emphasis is on today. We look at our current behavior and ask ourselves if we are living by our values. Am I being honest today? Am I maintaining personal integrity in my relations with others? Am I growing, or am I slipping back into old patterns? We concentrate on the overall picture of our day.
In order to examine our day-or our life, for that matter-in its entirety, we have to draw on the humility we’ve acquired in the previous steps. We have learned quite a bit about ourselves; how we’ve responded to life in the past and how we want to respond to life now. It takes a great deal of awareness to humbly acknowledge our part in our lives.
We may have trouble knowing when we are wrong simply because we usually intend to be right. For instance, at some point in our recovery, we may attend a group business meeting firmly convinced that we know what the group should do. We’ve studied all sides of the issues. We forcefully share our views at the meeting. We’re so convinced of our rightness that we fil to recognize our self-righteousness. We are blind to the harm we’re causing others by not respecting their views as much as our own.
Often we act in ways that are contrary to our values, yet we expect others to live up to our standards. For instance, we may find ourselves flinching when we hear others gossiping about someone. Following such an occurrence, we are likely to be self-righteous-until we catch ourselves doing the very same thing. Other situations can occur when we become super critical of others. For example, we may have a tendency to have high expectations of others; however, we have a variety of excuses at hand for why these standards don’t apply to us! If we find ourselves in the midst of such moral uncertainty, we can use the principles of the Tenth Step to provide more clarity.
There may be other times in our lives when we find ourselves in a situation that seems to require a compromise of our personal beliefs and values. For instance, if we had gained employment at a company only to discover that our employer expected us to indulge in questionable business practices, we could reasonably expect to feel confused about the choices available to us. Deciding what to do about such a difficult dilemma would be a tough decision for any one of us. We may be tempted to make a snap judgment or expect our sponsor to provide an easy answer; however, we have found that no one can solve such a dilemma for us. While our sponsor will provide us with guidance, we must apply the principles of the program for ourselves and arrive at our own decision. In the end, we are the ones who must live with our conscience. In order to do so comfortably, we must decide what is, and what is not, morally acceptable in our lives.
It can be very confusing to determine when we were wrong, especially when we’re right in the middle of a conflict. When our emotions are funning high, we may not be able to take an honest look at ourselves. We can see only our immediate wants and needs. At such times, our sponsor may suggest that we take a personal inventory on a particular area of our lives so that we can see our part. If our friends notice that we’re acting on a character defect, they may suggest that we talk to our sponsor and our NA friends, paying attention to what our conscience is telling us, spending some quiet time with the God of our understanding-all these things will lead us to greater clarity.
Once we’re aware that we’ve been wrong-whether it’s five minutes, five hours, or five days after the fact-we need to admit our error as soon as possible and correct any harm we’ve caused. As in the Ninth Step we find that the process of admitting our mistakes and changing our behavior brings about tremendous freedom.
Of course, we must be just as careful when amending our current behavior as we were when we made amends in the Ninth Step. For instance, if we find that we were wrong because we sat in a meeting silently judging someone who shared, we certainly don’t need to go tell that person what we were thinking. Instead, we can make an effort to be more tolerant.
We must remember that the Tenth Step isn’t a one-sided endeavor, an exercise is noting what we have done wrong. We must resist any urge to become obsessive with this step, ruthlessly searching out every flaw in our character. The point of the Tenth Step is for us to be willing to pay attention to our thoughts, behaviors, and values, then work on what we need to change. We should acknowledge that, quite often, our motives are good and we do things right. Character defects and character assets do not exclude each other, and we are sure to find both on any given day.
We develop recovery-oriented goals for ourselves as we work this step. When we see that we’ve been afraid to go forward in a particular area of our lives, we can resolve to take a few risks, drawing our courage from our Higher Power. When we see that we’ve been selfish, we can strive to become more generous in the future. When we realize today that we’ve allen short in any area of our lives, we don’t have to be overwhelmed by feelings of dread and fear of failure. Instead, we can be grateful for our self-awareness and begin t feel a sense of hope. We know that, by applying our program of recovery to our shortcomings, we will change and grow.
We begin to see ourselves more realistically as a result of working the Tenth Step. Many of us have remarked on the freedom we experienced through freely admitting our mistakes and releasing ourselves from unrealistic expectations. Where before we went from on extreme to the other, either feeling better than everyone else or feeling worthless, we now find the middle ground where true self-worth can flourish. We feel renewed hope as we uncover long-neglected assets in this step. We see ourselves as we really are, accepting our good qualities along with our defect, knowing we can change with the help of a Higher Power. We are becoming what we were meant to be all along; whole human beings.
Although all of us need the love and attention of others, that doesn’t mean we must depend on people to provide what we can only find within ourselves. We can stop making unreasonable demands on others and begin to give of ourselves in relationships. Our romantic relationships, our friendships, and our interactions with family members, co-workers, and casual acquaintances are undergoing an astounding change. We are free to enjoy another’s companionship because were no longer so obsessed with ourselves. We finally see that all the devices we used to keep other people away are unnecessary at best and, more often than not, are the underlying cause of the pain we suffer in our relationships.
Healthier relationships are just one indication that the quality of our lives has improved dramatically. Such indications merely reflect the intangible but very real changes that have taken place inside us. Our entire outlook has changed. Compared to the spiritual values we hold dear today, concerns such as “looking good” or amassing material wealth pale in significance. By accepting the challenge of self-appraisal called for in the Tenth Step, we’ve discovered that we value oru recovery and oru relationship with the God of our understanding above all else.
As the inner chaos that we lived with for so long subsides, we begin to experience long periods of serenity. During these times, we experience the powerful presence of a loving God in our lives. We are increasingly conscious of that power and are ready to search for ways to maintain and improve our contact with it. Seeking direction and meaning for our lives, we go on to the Eleventh Step.