Death Keeps Knocking On My Door

It seems that I can't escape this part of reality either in the using world or the dried up world LOL. I know it isn't funny but it sort of is and not only that you would think that I would be sitting here completely baffled which I am but I believe that I am handling all of this quite well.

As most of you know that I suffer from COPA and have for quite a while and yes LOL I continue to smoke, so I must not have either had the shit scared completely out of me yet or I am just too silly to get the answer but than again I didn't know there was a question.

I can't breath. But really I didn't want to come here on my first day out of the hospital to talk about what is going on with me but with my Sister who's situations is so much more prominent than what mine is and yet I find myself speaking to my friends in which everyone seems to be asking me what is going on.

I had gotten sick again and I felt it coming on I think Wednesday or Thursday of last week. I know to catch it quick or else pay for harder this time. So Friday I call the Doctor and telling him that I need in and he schedules me to come in. I go in there and yeah I am not doing well OK so what hospital no just give me my Predisone that I take for this issue and we will go from there. He told me to come in and see him Monday first thing in the morning and if I wasn't any better I would have to go to the hospital. I agreed.

I went home Saturday took my pills he started me at 50mg Predisone and than I took my pills Sunday morning and nothing was working and I knew that I could take more if so as directed which I did I took a extra 20 mg but did two doses one in the morning of 40mg and than a 30mg that Sunday night. Haven't slept I can't breath to lay down. So ......

I am sitting here around midnight and have a coughing attack, can't breath, that is lasting for around 20-30 minutes, I get the dizziness, weakness, and than everything turns black but still conscious but all is black. I come out of it I don't know how long and I can see a little bit and running to the bathroom to shit or I would shit my pants which later on I did. So the spell which I call these last around 1 hour or longer. I have two more with sharp pains in the heart area, but the black turned to a color of a waver blue the second time and the third time out pure white. I was dieing and I knew it.

I reached out in prayer first saying "God I don't want to die, please don't let me die. and than I remembered what was taught to not pray for thyself but than asked just to have his will done whatever it is. Well I ,.....

need to stop right now I am having really bad chest pains talk soon

[citychik]

Vic, Mate....I had no idea...shit! I'll be definitely remembering you in my prayers.....

[rusty zipper]

vic, prayer out to you...

thy will be done!

hey, perhaps the mother f'r of spirtual awakenings...

xxoo & blessings...

pat

My dear friend I just lost it... I am praying for his will to be done. Please fight this. I am going tomorrow to check out how to quit smoking...
Love u guy
Angela

Yep but not enough of it obviously LMMFAO

OK no joke you guys and gals

Addiction is a killer and it doesn't have to come in a form that we think would be a killer. Cigs UGHHHH

Yep killing me be azzzz...

Had multiple heart attacks and they had to put me into a coma in order to live.

10 days hospital good yeah no smoke

get out smoke

Something wrong with the picture here ehhh.

OK so here I am alive story not a ending YET!

Still not strong but want you all to know that days are very limited for all of us. I am actually sitting here laughing at my silly azzzz

So I am still clean? As far as other drugs yes but cigs no

I am starting a thread here. I saw the white light on my 3rd heart attach but it dimmed quick when I got out of the hospital. I have the patches and if we can use our Program for other things than it is time for me to start applying it to all of my affairs.

I will still keep my clean day but in a few minutes it will be noon my time and putting down the smokes. Just be here for me and listen to my little whinny azzz LOL

I LOVE YA

WE can do it together I know SR is a lovely family that has helped me each day and will continue as long as I am willing to do the work. Last smoke wish me luck...

Still a smokin cutting back that is all I can do for now don't need the stress of another heart attack LMAO excuses I tell ya :icon_rofl::icon_rofl::icon_rofl:

[citychik]

It's hard Vic...I've tried a few times..with and without a solemn oath LOL

so now I'm taking the quit smoking tablets 'Champix"...today's day 3, and you don't have to make a quit date till between day 8 and 14.

maybe I'm looking for the easier softer way...who knows..


good luck buddy

I never made that call to see about quitting... I suppose it is going to take a act of something earthshaking for me to quit. I know I am dying but just can't seem to accept it.

[rusty zipper]

I will still keep my clean day but in a few minutes it will be noon my time and putting down the smokes. Just be here for me and listen to my little whinny azzz LOL

LMAO only if you will listen to me too....

well at RW there is a nictonene anonymous forum so I will be posting over there tomorrow I am getting that new miracle pill LMAO let us see if it really is a miracle pill for someone who don't want to quit. I hear that it is :icon_rofl:

Oh God Please let me know.. Soon!!!!

[citychik]

Today's day 7 on the new miracle pill. I'm still smoking but.....somethings different...I'm getting half way through a cigerette and putting it out....I decided day 11 will be my quit day....we'll see how that goes. LOL

Originally Posted by Angelily

Oh God Please let me know.. Soon!!!!

I just posted at RW but here it is for here also

OK I am was procrastinating on even starting and I found myself here trying to justify why I should wait to start the medications. I did however just now look at myself and low and behold I took my first pill. I don't want to really quit guys? I love my smokes it is the only thing that I truly have left but in all reality that is a lie. I will loose a lot more than that if I don't stop...so I am trying to think of others just like when I got clean almost two years ago.

I tried to call the help support line but I have to wait until the business hours are open in which than I will call back again and go from there. In a way I am kinda excited about this part of my recovery. Thinking about what the Doctor told me yesterday was like well shit I might as well die. Than I thought about it and said to myself...hey there is always hope around right? I mean yeah we need to remember that Rome wasn't built in a day and neither is anything else that I know of still all these years later.

So as I sit here this morning...having all of my other issues going on with the sites and things, I am trying to take care of Vic and especially his serenity and mental state of being. I don't want to have another mishap which the Doctor told me is very likely if I don't lesson up on things. So I am doing what I have to in order to keep things more simple and had to do a Step 10 already this morning.

Awe the life of trying to do things different isn't always pleasant. I am sure that with all of the support not only here where I live, the forums which are my HOME, and the friends that I have all over the world that I will be able to have this new miracle drug work for me. I looked at the plan and said "Yes if it can work for my nurse than YES it can also work for me."

So many times I think that our attitude is and has a lot of reactions and the responses to our lives. It is only because of that...the outlook that I can come up to the plate and hit the ball that was thrown my way. I will keep focused on the goal and that is to follow the directions to the medication and my commitment to be smoke free!

[rusty zipper]

nice post Nero!

give it a wirl, what'a ya got to loose...?

and hey, maybe you quiting might be just what it takes for me to try quiting the smokes!

My friend I admire you. I too love my smokes but to have just read what you wrote it makes me think how selfish I am. It isn't about me today there are people in my life that I hurt when I used that didn't give up on me and for me to continue to do something that will soon take me away without even trying is in itself a cop out. So guess I am going to ask for the medication in April when I have my next Dr's apt. Thanks Vic and remember it is just today that we have to worry about and sometimes it is just the moment I worry about.

Well today is day two and I noticed that even yesterday I snuffed two cigs before I had them done! I don't ever remember doing that in my last 30 years of smoking so that was like a indicator to me that this thing could very well be the miracle drug that everyone is looking for. HOWEVER

I have noticed this morning that I do love my coffee and cigs. LMAO yep another copout but

WE can do this deal together. I am happy to know that I am not alone and that CC is on day 8 today I think not sure. But we might have a support team right here. Oh hell no we already have the support team

Well since than I have been hospitalized again for my COPD or whatever it is and emphasizing. Here is the scoop that I have received I have probably less than a year to live hard to believe harder to accept but staying clean no matter what is my mission. Yes I need to quit the damn smokes also and am going to work a lot harder on that now. My sister is going through much also have found out that she is full of cancer and it spreads really fast so Now I am not able to be with her like I want to be because I don't even have the strength to do my own cooking or anything really anymore.

I need to start preparing for death, living will, death will, etc so need to get those things done, figure out what to do with of course the sites, I really would like for at least SNC and RW to continue in the journey after I am gone and maybe that is just some sort of pride stepping in there but I truly believe also that it is the pride of the road of recovery that I found out on May 25, 2006. I told AA friend yesterday that I hope I at least live to see my two year anniversary something that I have never been able to accomplish in my life which is a goal of mine of course.

SNC and RW have changed my life ad my HP who I am still trying to seek and speak to have been there for me. I only hope that I can continue to do what they would have and give me the strength to do on a dialy basis. I am going to try and get the chat room hired to have set up here and at RW for the sites, I can do it but it is a process and teaching myself how to do as I go will take too long so I just want to get that done, which I was told wouldn't be that much money but than again when you don't have money any money is too much money LOL but I will get er done.

Probably going to turn them over if someone wants them I know that I could sell them but not sure if I would do that. I am just rambling this morning good to be home. Don't need to be all stressed out on things so I come here. I can't post this on other sites for they don't like that and now I can see where they come from also as not only a owner but also as a person looking at doing what is right from what I believe is wrong.

Need to stop now just wanted to give you a brief update and thank for being a part of my journey.

[rusty zipper]

ugh!

vic, enjoy the days to the fullest, the ones that are to be...!

i love you, and if you want to post over RBA, no probs from the admins! lol

pat

From what I understand I am not promised tomorrow so I must live in today. It took me a long time to understand this. If I am doing just what needs to be done today and not wake tomorrow I will have accomplished just what I was suppose to. I am OK with this today.