Touchstones

[Butterfly Woman]

Tuesday, March 9, 2010
You are reading from the book Touchstones

We all wear masks, and the time comes when we cannot remove them without removing some of our own shin.
—Andre Berthiaume

The masks men wear are as varied as those who wear them, but their purpose is quite simple. We wear masks to hide our real faces from those around us and even from ourselves. There are seductive masks, innocent masks, white knight masks, tough guy masks, black sheep masks, lone wolf masks, and many more. Sometimes we want to take on another identity so others won't see our insecurities. Or we think taking the form of someone else will give us power over others, or they will like us better, or we can escape ourselves.

The cost of wearing a mask is not getting a chance to develop our real personalities. What masks are we attached to? Are we willing to give them up in the interest of our spiritual growth?

May I have the courage to drop my phony masks in order to grow stronger in self-knowledge.

From Touchstones: A Book of Daily Meditations for Men ©1986, 1991 by Hazelden Foundation.

[Butterfly Woman]

Wednesday, March 10, 2010
You are reading from the book Touchstones

There is no king who has not had a slave among his ancestors, and no slave who has not had a king among his.
—Helen Keller

The human race is a huge mixture of dignity and degradation and every man inherits the blend. We can respect the slave in us for his endurance and suffering. And the king in us earns our respect for his leadership and justice. Are we ashamed of who we are or where we have come from? Then we may have to look deeper and ask if we are really different from any other man.

Do we believe we must conform to some mold of acceptability, some proper appearance? Are we so focused on the surface that we miss the deeper values of our humanness? Sometimes we take on a reverse smugness and become judgmental of the person who looks successful or speaks well. We think, "I can't like him, he's in a different class." We all need acceptance and respect, and in this program we are equals from the first day.

God, grant me the self-esteem to accept the whole mixture that comes together in me and in the people around me.

From Touchstones: A Book of Daily Meditations for Men ©1986, 1991 by Hazelden Foundation.

[Butterfly Woman]

Thursday, March 11, 2010
You are reading from the book Touchstones

One must not hold one's self so divine as to be unwilling occasionally to make improvements in one's creations.
—Ludwig van Beethoven

We addicted and codependent men too often feel ashamed of our mistakes. It pains us to admit there is room for improvement in what we have done. When we do see that our work can be improved, shame overwhelms us. Our oversensitivity to flaws puts us in a kind of competition with God. We are not yet resigned to letting ourselves be fully human - and letting God be God. Life is much calmer when we remember that who we are and what we do are not the same.

We are deeper and richer than any object we create or any job we hold. A genius like Beethoven could see he needed to make occasional improvements in his composition, and we can follow his model. Allowing for imperfection, we are better prepared to deal with it, and we are liberated to do our jobs and live our lives more fully.

I will be content to let God be God and accept my life with all its need for improvements.

From Touchstones: A Book of Daily Meditations for Men ©1986, 1991 by Hazelden Foundation.

[Butterfly Woman]

Friday, March 12, 2010
You are reading from the book Touchstones

No sooner do we think we have assembled a comfortable life than we find a piece of ourselves that has no place to fit in.
—Gail Sheehy

We usually think of children going through stages. If we talk about a man going through a stage, there is usually a tone of a put down in it. But adults go through stages in their lives too. We have different drives and needs at 22 than we had at 16. Age 40 brings a different experience than 30. It would be sad to reach age 60 or 70 and have no more wisdom than we had twenty years earlier. An adult life crisis can come anytime. We may have grown out of a formerly comfortable job. Perhaps we feel new urgings for a more satisfactory relationship than we have settled for. From our recovery experience we know that crisis can bring growth.

Courage is required of us from the cradle to the grave. Change continues throughout life. With courage, we can face our crises and the changes that come, and eventually we find the gift of new growth.

Help me find courage enough to live this day and meet the challenges it brings.

From Touchstones: A Book of Daily Meditations for Men ©1986, 1991 by Hazelden Foundation.

[Butterfly Woman]

Saturday, March 13, 2010
You are reading from the book Touchstones

Victory is won not in miles but in inches. Win a little now, hold your ground, and later win a little more.
—Louis L'Amour

How much fuller each day feels when we can be patient and accept the inches we have progressed. Yet, we are aware of large problems which require miles of progress. We may want others in our lives to change quickly, we may be impatient with a work situation, or we may feel angry about an addiction.

Perhaps the spiritual message to us is we need to surrender to time. We are on the road moving in the direction of recovery. The forces of progress are at work. Our growth now may come in learning patience and trusting this process. Looking back we might see a mile of progress. It was made an inch at a time.

Today, I will accept my progress. There are many rewards already.

From Touchstones: A Book of Daily Meditations for Men ©1986, 1991 by Hazelden Foundation.

[Butterfly Woman]

Sunday, March 14, 2010
You are reading from the book Touchstones

This above all, to refuse to be a victim. Unless I can do that I can do nothing.
—Margaret Atwood

Men have often become victims by seeing themselves as saviors. We forgot that we have needs too. We thought if we gave enough, our needs would eventually be met. In the process we became great controllers, not for the sake of power, but to make everything okay. We turn ourselves inside out to make our mates happy or to please our children or friends. But being a savior is a disrespectful role to play. When people became angry with us for it, we absorbed their anger and felt misunderstood.

No relationship is healthy for either person if one is a victim. We must do our loved ones the favor of letting them see our strength - let them bump up against it - even when that means we say a loud and strong no! After we have said no, our yes is much more believable.

Today, I will take responsibility/or my own life and try not to be a savior for others. I won't undermine my relationships by being a victim.

From Touchstones: A Book of Daily Meditations for Men ©1986, 1991 by Hazelden Foundation.

[Butterfly Woman]

Monday, March 15, 2010
You are reading from the book Today's Gift

The difficulty in life is the choice.
—George Moore

How we choose to spend our time says much about what is important to us. If we have no goals, we may try to kill time. If we have too many goals, there may not be enough time in the day to do all we set out to do. We must make some choices based on our values. We may need to take more time for some things, and let go of others. For example, this year will we try to learn to play the guitar? Perhaps we have finally decided to drop out of that club which seems to have little purpose. Will we give more time to work, or less time? With each of these choices, we shape our lives. We can do it with the touch of an artist if we pay attention to the choices we are making.

What is truly important to me today?

From Today's Gift: Daily Meditations for Families ©1985, 1991 by Hazelden Foundation.

[Butterfly Woman]

Wednesday, March 17, 2010
You are reading from the book Touchstones

The reward of friendship is itself. The man who hopes for anything else does not understand what true friendship is.
—Saint Ailred of Rievaulx

The comfort of a true friend in a time of trouble, the strength we sense in being with someone who truly knows us, the affirmation of life that comes with enduring friendships - no other experience is like these. Recovery, once our addictive behaviors end, is mostly through relationships. In this program we are developing a friendship with ourselves, with other men and women, and with our Higher Power.

True friendship happens when we lower our guard and let our feelings show. It happens when we listen without judgment. It accumulates over time in many little experiences with someone. There is friendship in returning to someone when we feel offended or hurt so the relationship can be repaired - and in returning to him when we have been the offender. Sometimes friendship means humility, or accepting our worthiness to be forgiven. The development and deepening of our friendships, with other men, with women, and with ourselves sustains us in recovery.

Today, I will be true in my friendships.

From Touchstones: A Book of Daily Meditations for Men ©1986, 1991 by Hazelden Foundation.

[Butterfly Woman]

Thursday, March 18, 2010
You are reading from the book Touchstones

Oh, that one could learn to learn in time!
—Enrique Solari

A mark of genuine change, after the pleasure of newfound growth, may be the regret a man feels that he didn't learn sooner. When we learn something new, we see how it could have made our life better at an earlier time. We regret being stubborn, immature, or impulsive. Now we see our mistakes in a new light and it hurts. This is one of the pains of change. Some people turn away from growth because they refuse to tolerate the pain of honest hindsight.

We need to face these regrets, but not indulge in them. We take a bow to the past and move on to live in the only place we can - the present. We can acknowledge our guilt and remorse and then turn them over to the care of God. We can't change the past, but we can learn from it. Healthy recovery means an ever lighter load of regrets. Getting stuck in guilt over past deeds only repeats our mistakes by failing to use our learning today.

May I acknowledge and let go of my grief's and regrets so I can attend to life here and now.

From Touchstones: A Book of Daily Meditations for Men ©1986, 1991 by Hazelden Foundation.

[Butterfly Woman]

Friday, March 19, 2010
You are reading from the book Touchstones

There seemed not to be another living thing in all the world. There was something of bliss in this stillness, and something ominous too. It was the kind of stillness that beckons us to turn inward, toward the beginnings of our existence.
—Paul Gruchow

We cannot create profound stillness. We can allow it. We can move into it. We can receive it. Many of us have been frightened by such a stillness because we are not familiar with the spiritual moment. We felt moved, awestruck, and we may have run to escape that inward moment. Some men are endlessly busy just keeping the stillness at a comfortable distance. Many recovering men have unwittingly thrown themselves into a workaholic life because they were frightened by their emerging spirits.

We can change this pattern by allowing ourselves a little quiet at a time. At first, it may be just a few minutes alone. We may be more able to meet the stillness outdoors, or we can learn to be still in the presence of someone else. The stillness is a moment of meditation. It is contact with God.

God, give me the courage to allow spiritual experiences to be part of my life.

From Touchstones: A Book of Daily Meditations for Men ©1986, 1991 by Hazelden Foundation.

[Butterfly Woman]

Saturday, March 20, 2010
You are reading from the book Touchstones

New life comes from shedding old skins and pressing through the darkness toward the light. Spring is the season of new beginnings and of growth.
—Karen Kaiser Clark

All of us in this program have had great turning points in our lives. In these new beginnings we have pressed onward or groped through the darkness, hoping to find the light, much like a new sprout arising from the cold soil in spring. Our recovery has pointed us toward the light. As spiritually alive men, we also have smaller beginnings all the time. Spring exists for us on the inside regardless of the time of year.

On this particular day, we can think about the changes we see growing in our lives. It may be unclear to some of us just what is changing or how. We may not be able to name the change or describe it until it's in the past. Springtime brings a feeling of liberation, and our growth in this program frees us from muddled thinking, denial, addictions, and codependency.

I am thankful for new beginnings in the world and the eternal spring within my being.

From Touchstones: A Book of Daily Meditations for Men ©1986, 1991 by Hazelden Foundation.

[Butterfly Woman]

Monday, March 22, 2010
You are reading from the book Touchstones

Let no one be deluded that a knowledge of the path can substitute for putting one foot in front of the other.
—M. C. Richards

Recovering men know this path is not always easy. We usually talk about the benefits of recovery and the many promises of the program. Today, in our fellowship, we talk of the challenges we must face in order to recover. Honesty may be the greatest challenge. It is frightening to be honest with ourselves about things we have never really admitted or faced before.

Sometimes we have new and confusing feelings and think something must be wrong with us. But we may be just experiencing the logical outcome of our earlier commitment to be honest. No one recovers by thinking about it. We must actively take each Step and meet the challenges presented. We are not alone with our difficulties. We are part of a large movement of men committed to recovery, and this quiet moment is one way in which we are simply putting one foot in front of the other.

Today, I pray for the courage to remain faithful when the fears and pains of my transformation are overwhelming.

From Touchstones: A Book of Daily Meditations for Men ©1986, 1991 by Hazelden Foundation.

[Butterfly Woman]

Tuesday, March 23, 2010
You are reading from the book Touchstones

If anything is sacred, the human body is sacred.
—Walt Whitman

A renewed relationship with our bodies is part of our spiritual renewal. Perhaps we have not known our bodies as part of our spiritual selves. We may have treated ourselves and others as objects. Too often genitals were "tools" to be used, objects of our egos, or a way of taking care of someone else. Maybe we have used sex compulsively as an escape from other emotions. Men in recovery commonly encounter problems with sexuality. Those problems often come from knowing deep within that we must change, but not knowing how.

It helps to create new images in our minds. We can imagine a totally relaxed playfulness with our partners, with no goal in mind and no judgment. We can imagine our Higher Power being with us. We can imagine talking in detail with someone - our partner or a friend - about our feelings, anxieties, or frustrations with sex. We can imagine ourselves as a whole body; alone, not with a partner, and okay Bringing sexuality into the whole of our lives is a spiritual thing to do.

May I find ways to include sexuality in my spiritual awakening.

From Touchstones: A Book of Daily Meditations for Men ©1986, 1991 by Hazelden Foundation.

[Butterfly Woman]

Wednesday, March 24, 2010
You are reading from the book Touchstones

I don't like a man to be too efficient. He's likely to be not human enough
—Felix Frankfurter

On our path we seek balance. Pursuing any single value and ignoring another, whether it is efficiency, hard work, or leisure, will make one-sided men of us. Psychology tells us our right brain is the creative, intuitive side and our left-brain is the concrete, fact gathering side. Spending our energies developing only one part of ourselves will leave us incomplete. We males have been taught we should be decisive, practical, and have our feet on the ground.

As men we are also creative and sensitive. We think in stories, pictures, and metaphors and we love music. At our best, we are willing to place people and relationships ahead of things and goals. When we are wisest and most human, we draw on the many sides of ourselves.

Today, I will use both the creative, intuitive part of me and the practical, decisive part that can get a job done

From Touchstones: A Book of Daily Meditations for Men ©1986, 1991 by Hazelden Foundation.

[Butterfly Woman]

Thursday, March 25, 2010
You are reading from the book Touchstones

I don't want everyone to like me; I should think less of myself if some people did.
—Henry James

Many of us have learned to control the responses of others by always being pleasing and charming. Maybe we feel it's better to have others like us than to take a stand. Maybe we only feel okay about ourselves if others approve. Some of us have certainly learned we have a sense of power and control over people when they like us. Many of us have carried our people-pleasing behavior so far that we have really sold our souls for the applause of others.

Are there problems or tensions in our lives from trying to please someone? Is fear of criticism preventing us from taking an action that would be good for us? Have we neglected our inner voice by listening so hard to others? As we get stronger, healthier, more fully into our manhood, not everyone will like us. Some people will be angry; others, not interested. Once we have faced our own life crises, we are not so dependent on having everyone's approval.

I pray for God's blessing upon the man I'm becoming. I will let go of this need to please everyone.

From Touchstones: A Book of Daily Meditations for Men ©1986, 1991 by Hazelden Foundation.

[Butterfly Woman]

Friday, March 26, 2010
You are reading from the book Touchstones

As long as I am constantly concerned about what I "ought" to say, think, do, or feel, I am still the victim of my surroundings and am not liberated. ... But when I can accept my identity from God and allow Him to be the center of my life, I am liberated from compulsion and can move without restraints.
—Henri J. M. Nouwen

As we get more settled in our recovery, we are more vulnerable to becoming rigidly ruled by ideas of behavior, which should serve as guidelines, not moral edicts. If we find ourselves saying we should pass the message of recovery to others, perhaps the spirit of the program is missing. If we are telling ourselves we should go to meetings but don't feel the benefit, perhaps we have lost the spiritual path.

Our powerlessness is the source of vitality in our relationship with God. In the painful awareness that our will and our own devices get us nowhere, we can put aside the shoulds and again accept our identity from God.

Today, I will set aside my shoulds and return to trust in my Higher Power.

From Touchstones: A Book of Daily Meditations for Men ©1986, 1991 by Hazelden Foundation.

[Butterfly Woman]

Saturday, March 27, 2010
You are reading from the book Touchstones

Man is in love
And loves what vanishes;
What more is there to say?
—W. B. Yeats

Throughout our lives we repeatedly make attachments and lose them. We are taken with the rich color of leaves in the fall, but we know that this beauty will soon be replaced with stark, empty branches. We give ourselves to caring for a baby, knowing someday this person will say good bye to make his or her own life. We lie close to our lover in a special moment, yet we know that this, too, will be limited by the years of our lives.

We want to defiantly say, "No! If I can't have permanence I'll take nothing at all!" Most of us have wished we could outmaneuver life with such a power play. The loss feels so painful we might think holding back our love will save us pain. But holding back brings a greater unhappiness. When we submit to it, life is generous in its kaleidoscope of forms. Each attachment, each loss, is followed by more rewards and attachments. Loss and death itself are part of life. There is peace in accepting and living fully in the cycle of seasons.

God, help me to engage with life fully and to accept change.

From Touchstones: A Book of Daily Meditations for Men ©1986, 1991 by Hazelden Foundation.

[Butterfly Woman]

Sunday, March 28, 2010
You are reading from the book Touchstones

There is nothing stronger in the world than gentleness.
—Han Suyin

It may take a while to learn to be gentle with ourselves. We have long standing patterns of abusing and shaming ourselves. Maybe we became this way because we were victims. Now it's easier to attack ourselves for mistakes we've made than to be accountable and make amends. We think we deserve to be rejected if we let our friends know our deepest secrets. In the midst of stress we fly to self-doubt and self-abusing thoughts. We withdraw emotionally, we pout, we expect rejection rather than gentleness.

For today, let us pledge to be gentle with ourselves. Gentleness isn't dishonest; it isn't arrogant or self-centered. It is taking reality - with whatever pain that includes - and treating ourselves as worthwhile men. We will be stronger and less self-centered when we accept this gentleness. We will be as loyal to ourselves as we are to our best friends. Each day with this new attitude will build strength of character and wisdom.

Today, may I treat myself with gentleness and learn the strength it has to teach me.

From Touchstones: A Book of Daily Meditations for Men ©1986, 1991 by Hazelden Foundation.

[Butterfly Woman]

Monday, March 29, 2010
You are reading from the book Touchstones

Restless man's mind is,So strongly shaken
In the grip of the senses...
Truly I think
The wind is no wilder.
—Bhagavad Gita

What passions have swept away our reasoning powers? What lust have we pursued at the cost of our values and better judgment? As men in this program, we know the ferocious winds of addiction and codependency. Now we are in a program of recovery, learning to combine our sensual side with our mind and our morals.

Every day we feel the winds of our senses, and they are part of what gives us life. We can let them blow and not be carried away by them. In this way we take pleasure in being human beings and men. We have our minds, our thoughts, and our knowledge to turn to for guidance. And we have our inner voice - our Higher Power - on which we can rely through even the wildest hurricane.

I am learning to make room in life for my senses, my mind, and my Higher Power.

From Touchstones: A Book of Daily Meditations for Men ©1986, 1991 by Hazelden Foundation.

[Butterfly Woman]

Tuesday, March 30, 2010
You are reading from the book Touchstones

We all carry it within us: supreme strength, the fullness of wisdom, unquenchable joy. It is never thwarted and cannot be destroyed. But it is hidden deep, which is what makes life a problem.
—Huston Smith

How does a man lose touch with his strength, his wisdom, his joy? Perhaps it is in the nature of humanity. Our most profound qualities are hidden deep. They never go away, but we cannot always find them. There may be nothing wrong with ourselves as men when we lose touch. It doesn't have to mean that we are "bad guys" for getting depressed or for feeling inadequate. Who doesn't have that problem? It is the nature of life that we sometimes feel this way. This program helps us unearth the resources hidden within us.

When we cannot find those reassuring feelings of strength and wisdom and joy, we may think they are gone forever. We even doubt we ever had them or could have them again. But they are still there. They cannot be destroyed. And when we regain contact we know they have been with us all along.

I will have faith that the innermost places in me can never be destroyed.

From Touchstones: A Book of Daily Meditations for Men ©1986, 1991 by Hazelden Foundation.